To my wife Lezley, on her birthday…
I’ve been a professional ink-slinger for over 20 years. I’ve been drawing for twice that long. Over the decades of practice, things I once thought impossible became possible. I can draw trees now. I can draw buildings now. I can almost draw anything that I think of… most of the time it comes pretty close. (most is being generous)
I’ve been drawing YOU for 11 years. However, no matter how many times I draw you, there are still several unknowns. BUT, there are four things that I can always count on:
1. I’ll show you your drawing and you will pause. Sometimes a long pause. I dislike those long pauses.
2. Nine times out of ten (if in color) I will fail to match your hair color of the moment.
3. You will INSIST that I’ve drawn you skinnier than YOU THINK you are. Apparently, my prescription lenses prevent me from seeing you “the way you really are…”
4. Three times out of ten you will ask me why I didn’t put Maggie in the picture with you.
Now, after 11 years of drawing you, there are archetypes I can always go to… things, characteristics that, if included, will scream LEZLEY to you. Everyone else will know it’s you without this stuff… but these are my tickets to Lezley approval:
1. Coffee. Duh. To-go cup or big mug depends on the season. To-go for summer, mugs for fall, winter and spring.
2. Purse. You change them about as often as your hair color so I have to be aware.
3. Phone. Double duh.
These three things, when added to a drawing let you know that those lines, even though you can’t see it, are you.
It’s all you.
I’ve said to you a million times I wish you could see yourself the way that I see you. While I can’t logically pull my eyes out and implant them in you, the drawings are my way of showing you. Lez, you’re amazing. Just amazing. Whatever flaws you think you have add to the amazing.
And, until you yourself can finally see it, I guess I just have to keep practicing. You’re a pain in the ass, but I’m lucky to have the hurt.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart. Love you.
Rachael Ray, celebrity chef, guru and overall dynamo, has been the object of Bob’s desire for over a decade. What blossomed in 2006 , was still blooming in 2007 and 2008, continued on in 2009 and 2010 and kept on truckin’ through 2011, 2012 and 2013.
Lauren had a school science project… to study the ins and out of volcanoes. We researched everything and actually made a pretty decent paper model. Since we had a lot of flour and paint, an unlimited supply of paper and an extra Pringles can, why not the make and give a seismic, molten gift from the heart? Thankfully, the restraining order never came. It took a week to get all the flour paste out of Bob’s fur. The things you do for love.
Operation get Rachael to dig Bob kicked into full gear in 2015. Lez and I were celebrating our first Valentine’s day as a married couple. Bob, surrounded by all this love, was on a mission like never before. He decided to make a video.
This went on for two solid weeks. A TON of video was shot and re-shot and re-re-shot.
Unfortunately, all of the footage was lost after I inadvertently dropped, hit with a hammer, spilled Coke Zero on and ran over seven times the external hard drive containing the raw video. Accidents happen.
Raquel even included snap shots of the book signing she got this… just in case we had any doubt of the authenticity. We truly have the best fans on the planet. I didn’t let Bob know about this until…
Needless to say, Bob was in another realm this Valentine’s day. After basking in the glow of a sharpie signature for a while, he began to think of the man that held back…
He’d not imagining that. And I’m NOT a monster. A story line is a story line.
Tensions were still running high in 2017. The world was changing faster than we wanted. Nothing was ever going to be the same. The cracks on Bob’s devotion were beginning to show.
So, that’s where we are now. Basically, the same place we were twelve years ago. Do I ever see a day where tv chefs and squirrels can live in peace, love and harmony? Sure, why not? If he’s still willing to put himself out there, I’ll back him up.
But, we’re dome making volcanoes… do you know how messy they are?
Rachael Ray, celebrity chef, guru and overall dynamo, has been the object of Bob’s desire for over a decade. What blossomed in 2006 , was still blooming in 2007 and 2008, continued on in 2009 and 2010.
Five years into the love affair, Bob displayed no signs of wavering. That year, everyone in the house was sick. The last mood anyone wanted to be in was lovey.
When everyone got well, they still weren’t feeling it. That just meant that Bob had to pick up the slack. This year, he decided that he would make Rachael Ray a wooden yo-yo. He carved it with his teeth and used mint-flavored dental floss as the string. It was homemade at its best. Bob never hear from her. His devotion was starting to waver.
2012 was supposed coincide with the end of the world. That obviously didn’t happen. But, Bob did learn a new word.
Between 2012 and 2013, Bob fell head over tail for singer/songwriter Adele. Nothing came of that either. No matter how he tried to rationalize and deny, he couldn’t shake his love. He could jiggle it a little, but shaking? Not at all.
Next up: More of the same, but in a completely different way…